There is a lot of research documenting the challenges associated with adverse childhood experiences (before age 18), and we have conducted some of that research ourselves. 

Using a longitudinal sample of 1,177 U.S. youth (on average 20 years old at follow-up), we found three categories of individuals based on their exposure to multiple forms of childhood adversity: One group was more likely to have experienced family instability, including parental mental illness, alcoholism, substance use, incarceration, and divorce. A second group was more likely to have been exposed to violence between their parents and to have been victims of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse themselves. Youth in a third group, encompassing roughly 4 out of 5 young people, were likely to have relatively stable childhoods.  

Children who undergo difficult experiences are more likely to feel lonely and less optimistic as they grow up. But our research showed that emotional regulation—the skills that help us manage our feelings and thus support healthy relationships—could offset these challenging consequences of ACEs. 

Imagine two school friends—let’s call them Jordan and Alex. Maybe they have an upcoming assignment or test that is making them nervous. Perhaps Alex is also feeling upset because a family member has been ill. These two friends are managing a lot of difficult feelings! Add to this mix, Alex left the notebook that Jordan had lent them at home today, and now Jordan feels unprepared for class. Jordan might respond in any number of ways: 

More Skillful: I know you have a lot going on. But I do feel anxious about this assignment, especially since I don’t have my notebook. Could you please share your notes with me before class?

More Skillful: I’ll be honest—I’m annoyed!  But it’s not the end of the world, Alex. Would you be able to help me in class today?

The more skillful communication strategies don’t hide Jordan’s emotions. Instead, by using “I feel” language, Jordan can express their own frustration or anxiety without damaging the friendship by attacking Alex. Moreover, an emotionally regulated response allows Jordan to use their prefrontal cortex to suggest a workable solution. (Sidebar: Who doesn’t love a resource that explains neurobiology in 5th grade terms!)

What might Jordan’s responses be if they experience “amygdala hijack”?

Less Skillful: Jerk! You’re so selfish.

Less Skillful: You always do this to me. I don’t know why I ever lend you anything.

The less skillful communication strategies illustrate how Jordan’s feelings are manifesting as criticisms of Alex. In other words, with these responses Jordan’s feelings are hijacking their communications. As a result, not only has Jordan not been able to express a constructive solution to the problem, but they also may have hurt Alex’s feelings and their friendship. No one wins.

Building stability and security into children’s lives has tremendous value for their futures. The CDC has lots of tips and short videos for parenting young children and teens to help them learn how to regulate their emotions (full disclosure, our NORC team supported CDC in the development of some of these resources; more information is available on our project pages: New Resources for Parenting Teens and Navigating Adolescent LGBTQ+ Relationships and Testing Violence Prevention Messages and Materials). Even if those early parenting years are not smooth as punch (ask us for our lists of parenting mistakes!), fostering emotional regulation may help further mitigate the negative consequences associated with early childhood adversity.